So to kick off July I’m going to share my current summer favorites as of this very moment…
Truth be told I have always mixed & matched my Beautycounter products and this is the first time I am using a complete regime! It is so luxurious and I honestly have a sacred nighttime routine I look forward to every night. This Countermatch line is gentle enough to use twice a day + is super hydrating but non-greasy. I know. The trifecta. It doesn’t really have much of a smell to me, which I like for my body products!
Primally Pure is another great clean brand I have been loving! Their dry shampoo specifically is great at absorbing + creating volume.
March is colorectal cancer awareness month and today I wanted to dedicate to symptoms. Specifically, rectal cancer symptoms. Because I did have colorectal cancer but my cancer was in the rectum, not my colon. I know this because when I was first diagnosed I remember asking, “So, this is colon cancer?” because that sounded way better than declaring to everyone I had rectal cancer. It was not in my colon, which my surgeon ever so eloquently and dryly explained to me.
If you look up ‘rectal cancer symptoms’ you will find a list to include:
A change in bowel habits, such as diarrhea, constipation or more-frequent bowel movements
Dark maroon or bright red blood in stool
A feeling that your bowel doesn’t empty completely
Unexplained weight loss
Weakness or fatigue
In fact, colon cancer and rectal cancer treatment can be quite different because the rectum is such a small organ that sits barely removed from other important organs, so this often makes surgery quite difficult. It has been my experience that colon cancer patients seem to have surgery first to remove the tumor, while rectal cancer patients usually undergo treatment first in hopes of shrinking the tumor before going in to remove it. I actually wrote a post about a year about that detailed all my symptoms.
Being diagnosed young had me overlooking all kinds of symptoms just because I never knew. I didn’t know anyone with colorectal cancer (close to me). It was a distant thought in my head. I had heard of colorectal cancer before, isn’t the main symptom blood in stool?? Sure, I knew something was happening but I was also moving across the country, pregnant and postpartum so figuring it out took me a little longer.
The symptoms I experienced in varying degrees were:
Urgency/Constipation – This is one of the symptoms that sticks out the most for me because I definitely remember it to the year prior to diagnosis. I know it seems odd to have these two sensations together. Know how when you’re pregnant you have to get up and pee multiple times a night? Well, I had that except it was to poop. I would frequently get up at night and feel urgency to go and then wouldn’t be able to empty my bowels all the way.
Change in Stool – Somewhere along the way (I can’t exactly recall) I did notice my stools begin to change shape. They were longer and thinner. But HELLO, I was constipated, doesn’t that make sense? It’s not like my stools morphed into some seriously weird stuff, they were just a little…different. The change wasn’t alarming to me, I just chalked it up to constipation.
Weight Loss – I did steadily lose weight but I was also postpartum and breast feeding so the weight was not an alarming symptom at that time in my life. It was also very slow. Slow but steady.
Anemia – In December 2017 I went to a new OB in Florida when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Took them about 1-2 months to call me back and tell me my routine bloodwork showed I was very anemic. If I recall correctly, my hemoglobin level was at an eight or six, which is extremely low. Oh, I don’t eat meat I told them! I was put on an iron supplement and my iron levels came up to normal and stayed that way throughout pregnancy.
General Change in Bathroom Habits – I don’t really know how to categorize this one so we’ll leave it at this. If I really think back I can trace to beginning to notice something being different summer 2017. I felt like I was beginning to deal with more gas, urgency , something was just different. During this time I was also smack in the middle of serious postpartum depression and drinking heavily so I also chalked these changes up to lifestyle at the time. (Honestly, I could write a book about this period in my life, its very much a hard thing for me to talk about because I am ashamed of it).
In a nutshell, those are the symptoms I can recall experiencing prior to diagnosis. I didn’t realize how serious they were until I was smack dab in the middle of a cancer diagnosis. I had never read anything about colorectal cancer symptoms or known anyone in my life close to me who talked about it. So here I am, talking about it. It happened to me. You are never too young!
Happy Wednesday! I am a morning person through and through, often rolling out of bed between 4:30-5:00 a.m. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t have my mornings where my feet drag and I miss my alarm, I most certainly do! I find now; however, that often times my body wakes on it’s own internal alarm clock and I often find myself glancing at the clock and rolling out of bed before my alarm even goes off. I remember my father being like this as well.
In the spirit of talking about mornings, I want to share my three go-to smoothie recipes to grab in the morning. With the exception of the coffee one, my kids will drink these and they are packed with real food.
This smoothie is one of my favorites and probably my most made recipe.
1 scoop chocolate protein powder (Orgain organic chocolate protein powder & Shakeology are my favorite)
1 cup dairy free milk (I often use oat milk or almond milk)
1 tablespoon powdered peanut butter (or the real thing, whatever is on hand)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
handful of ice cubes
top with coconut whipped cream
Ultimate Green Goddess Smoothie
1 cup dairy free milk or water
hanful of spinach
1-1.5 frozen bananas
1 cup of frozen pineapple
handful of ice
Orange Dream Smoothie
4 – 6 cutie oranges
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
splash of milk (if desired)
handful of ice
Extras I always have on hand to add to smoothies are:
Long before cancer creeped it’s way into my life (well, long before I knew it was growing inside me) I had already begun to make lifestyle changes to help to reduce my toxic load. At the time, I didn’t realize this is exactly what I was doing, I just knew I had been becoming more aware of how toxic so many things in my environment were. The processed foods, meat industry, personal care products, even baby food has been found to have high levels of arsenic! “Toxic load” refers to the accumulation of chemicals and toxins in our body that are ingested or absorbed.
I think it’s also important to point out that we are far from perfect as a family on this. No one can practice perfection in this area, it’s too hard! We make safer swaps where we can all while remembering we are human trying our best to navigate this. My kids nutrition is not perfect and I’m sure there will always be areas to clean up. Progress over perfection my friends!
Here are five ways I help to reduce our chemical exposures in our family
Eat vegetarian whenever possible & buy organic fruits and vegetables
This one is kind of a no-brainer as we’ve all heard it a hundred times. I get it, buying all organic everything isn’t financially possible and that’s when you stick to buying organic items that are on the dirty dozen list. Buy organic when you can and be sure to always thoroughly wash produce (we use a 3:1 water/vinegar solution). In addition, I always lean towards recipes that are vegetarian. Eating vegetarian is cheaper, better for the planet, your health etc. My favorite cookbooks that got me into plant based eating are The Happy Herbivore and Everyday Detox
2. Transition personal care and makeup products to safer alternatives
Our skin is our largest organ and believe it or not, we are absorbing all the products we slather onto our skin and face. I have been using Beautycounter for over a year now for my skincare and makeup products. Beautycounter delivers high performing personal care products while banning a plethora of ingredients. In addition, they are also a B Corp, meeting the highest standards of social and environmental performance. I will also link a great article by one of my favorite beauty bloggers, This Organic Girl, that goes over cleaner beauty options available at Target. Cleaner, safer options are out there and I hope to continue to share all those things I come across on this platform!
3. Never wash plastsic in the dishwasher – switch over to glass storage containers instead of plastic tupperware
Did you know that back in 2018 the American Pediatric Association stated to, “avoid microwaving food or beverages (including infant formula and pumped human milk) in plastic, if possible, don’t put plastics in the dishwasher, and use containers made from alternative materials like glass or stainless steel whenever possible.”
That means that all those cute plastic kid plates, cups, snack containers you have should never be going in the dishwasher. Ever. Even if plastic is labeled ‘dishwasher safe’, it is not. On a personal note, we do still have and use plastic kid plates and cups. I wash them by hand and yes, it is a pain in the butt. We have some stainless steel kids cups we use as well. Will slowly transition over to stainless steel but it’s a process.
4. Take care of your gut
This perhaps seems like a random one but I have never been more aware of how my own gut functions since getting my permanent colostomy. Your bowels are how your body expels waste and toxins from your own body. It’s imperative to keep them working regularly and treat them well. This means drinking a lot of water (I personally aim for a gallon a day) and basically not killing yourself with crap food. I don’t think I need to go into this further. Another huge component of this is getting adequate exercise so your gut can actually process and absorb what’s needed and expel what’s not.
5. Switch to a natural laundry detergent
After trying quite a few more natural laundry detergents I have finally found one that is unscented, comes in small recyclable packaging and actually works on kid stains and sweaty clothes, Earth Breeze laundry sheets! You can get $10 OFF your first order here. This company is great, focusing on zero waste products that actually work. Ditch the scents and opt for unscented as well. I practice this in most products, when there is an unscented version, I will grab that. The less synthetic fragrances, the better.
Small and steady action cleaning up our toxic load can go a long way in improving the health of our families! What are some of the ways your practice this in your home?
March 1st marks the beginning of Colorectal Cancer Awareness month and in the next few weeks I’ll use this platform to highlight my own experiences as a rectal cancer survivor in hopes that it can somehow help another person out there. Never in my wildest dreams did I think cancer would affect my own life, let alone leave me with a permanent ostomy. Here are the facts about colorectal cancer you need to know:
Colorectal cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death
The American Cancer Society has recently lowered its recommended screening age to forty-five years old
African Americans, people with family history of colorectal cancer, history of polyps, history of undiagnosed stomach issues should seek colonoscopies much sooner
Early screening is key, as this is a slow-growing cancer and regular colonoscopies remove any polyps before they can turn into cancer
Probably the most startling and important fact about colorectal cancer is that it is on the rise. If you find yourself in the millenial category, your risk of rectal cancer is four times greater than people your parent’s age. Read that again: the people getting this cancer are not your parents friends, they are your best friend, your sister, your co-worker. This post isn’t about why that increase is occurring but moreover making sure this disease is no longer defined as something that affects those “fifty and older”.
Millenial’s also need to be aware that colorectal cancer in younger people is often diagnosed at much later stages due to being misdiagnosed or individuals putting off seeking treatment. We will highlight symptoms of colorectal cancer in another post but any changes at all in bathroom habits that aren’t cleared up within a week or so should be brought to your doctor’s attention. Our bodies are good at giving us indicators when something is off, but we have to be mindful and aware of our bodies natural habits. Our lives are busy and hectic but taking a moment to stay in tune with your body could greatly benefit your health.
While we’re on the topic of doctor’s and bodily functions, let’s all take a moment to remember that we’re all adults here (well, most of us…) and that everyone poops. Literally everyone. If you don’t, it will result in serious medical complications. Take this moment to realize that it’s serious to be honest with your medical providers about symptoms, even if you think they are embarrassing. I can assure you, ending up in the emergency room with a rectal exam while in writhing pain is no cakewalk either.
Ways to Lower Your Risk for Colorectal Cancer
While regular colonoscopies and screening will help prevent colorectal cancer, there are actually actions you can take yourself to lower your risk for colorectal cancer:
Get screened at the appropriate time based on your personal risk factors
Eat real food, mostly plants, not too much
Get regular exercise to maintain a healthy weight + immune system
Avoid smoking and drinking alcohol
Take control of your mental health and find a routine that works for you
While we can all say we’ve probably heard the above statements can benefit our health, how many of us have actually put forth the effort to incorporate them into our lives? I think you’d be surprised that doing so will not only lower your risk for colorectal cancer, but greatly improve all factors of your life including but not limited to: better sleep, skin, improved mood etc.
Again, this is not a post to fear monger, but rather to put a buzz into young people’s ears that this is happening. It happened to me. It can happen to you.
Please note that I am not a doctor and any and all medical conditions should always be discussed with your own doctor and that is not google. Power and community is in sharing our experiences and knowledge.
In the spirit of trying to begin things I actually want to do (enneagram 9), I am going to challenge myself to write one blog post a day in March. Just really trying to get this platform going, creativity flowing and improve my writing. I’m sure some posts will be long, thoughtful and deep and others will be just pushing out content but such is life. I’ve given some thought to the kind of content I want to create and I’m sure it will morph but it will include:
Colorectal cancer awareness – as much as I always think I don’t want to be defined by my rectal cancer, it is a part of my life. It has affected so much of my life from my physical appearance, fertility, mental state etc. It’s important and I do feel like I have some value to add and share.
Clean personal care products – I will continue to share my personal care favorites I find that are safer for our home and skin
Gardening tips and hacks – gardening has become such a great respite and hobby for me. Something about getting your hands in the earth + grounding really feeds my soul – I hope to learn more throughout the year and share with you
Ostomy life – this is a huge part of my life that I’m still figuring out but I’m also realizing how many people have ostomies. Every time I mention it, someone comes up to me to tell me a story about their ostomy or someone they know. I think there’s a lot of knowledge to share here too and I’m hopeful I can be of service along the way
So thank you so much for choosing to take this journey with me. This challenge is more about keeping myself accountable and getting into the habit of pushing out content everyday. I have had this blog for years and believe it or not, I built it all on my own! There was a lot of hours of troubleshooting to get this thing going. I do think I have value to share but sometimes the action needed can feel overwhelming. So while every piece of writing on here may not blow your mind, thank you for being here and encouraging me along the way.
So I’ve been thinking of some fun, non-depressing, non-cancer related stuff to do with this blog and have figured let’s start now! My recent favorite Amazon purchases! I loooove watching and reading these so here we go! [These range in everything from kid stuff to beauty to fashion etc]
This Butterfly Garden was such a good buy to do during quarantine with the kids! The kit comes with all the caterpillars, food, cages etc. Everything you need. It gave us at least 7 butterflies so it was good buy! We can even reuse the cage and just buy more caterpillars next time.
2. These sunglasses are also such a good buy. They are affordable, bendy (in a good way) and don’t get snagged in my hair when I push them on top of my head!
3. Ok, have to admit I don’t use these a ton (mainly because I think they create a lot of food waste) but these cutters are fun to bust out every once in a while for the kids! I will cut apples, cookies, cucumbers, sandwiches etc into fun shapes. Kind of encourages them to eat more I think.
4. This swimsuit I actually found from Young House Love! Sherry recommended and well…need I say more? It is super flattering and has good butt coverage. One time at the beach someone driving in a passing car yelled out the window, “I love your swimsuit!” haha
5. Ok, kinda chuckling because this is yet anotherYoung House Love recommendation that I have loved. Sherry recommends this book as a way to get multiple pieces of cool art. The photographs are wonderful and beautiful and can easily fit with a number of different themes in a gallery wall.
6. A few weeks ago, while John Micheal was sitting in my lap I noticed these tiny white bumps on the back of his leg. I immediately knew, molloscum! It wasn’t super bad; however, I called the Pediatrician to see if this was something that warranted an in-person visit since we were amid quarantine. They recommended this wheatgrass spray to help clear it up and I think it has worked! He still has a few lingering but it has helped clear it up for sure!
7. This is the bathroom essential you never knew you needed! I randomly saw this body scrubber on Instagram one day and had to have it. It’s much cleaner than the typical loofah, super exfoliating and honestly just fun to use!
8. I am always on the hunt for a cute pair of denim shorts these days. [Since I’ve actually started living my life and quit worrying about what other people think of my legs.] This pair had excellent reviews so I gave them a try! They are super soft and stretchy, very comfy! [For reference, I ordered a size large, which is my normal size]
9. This is a super cute book & has been one of John Michael’s favorites to read lately! Every night we read three books & every night this is always the favorite and last one read.
10. I’m sure we all know I’m on a quest to clean up a lot of the things in our home! Less chemicals, less harmful effects, trying to keep my cancer at bay as much as I can haha! I have been using and loving this Molly’s Suds laundry detergent for a few weeks now!
Full disclosure that links are affiliate links. I review and recommend only products I personally use on a regular basis. All opinions are my own.
“I should be able to reconnect you,” the surgeon said to me as she sat across from me at MD Anderson in Houston. After being diagnosed with stage 3C rectal cancer, I had traveled to MD Anderson to get a second opinion regarding my surgery and treatment since the tumor had invaded other major organs.
“Ok, great! What does that mean?” I had no idea what I was in for. To say I had no idea about this cancer world would be a drastic understatement. The ports, infusions, never ending appointments and ostomies, I had no idea about any of it. I was as shocked as any to learn that I needed a port inserted into my chest so I could receive treatment. Wait, I need what?
I became an ostomate on August 20, 2019.
When my surgeon, Dr. You at MD Anderson, explained to me what an ostomy was I was…bewildered? I can’t even recall exactly except to say that I thought to myself, “Oh yeah, I think I’ve heard of that before, I’ve seen that before I think.” I was told I would have a bag, most likely temporary, and that I would be reconnected once I had healed from surgery. As I focused on finishing my chemotherapy and radiation treatment, the surgery was always looming in the back of my mind. I knew it would be the last and final (hopefully) thing I would endure. It was also the scariest. The most anxiety inducing.
As August 20, 2019 approached, I set off to Houston, Texas to begin the flurry of pre op appointments. In the meeting with my surgeon we went over my recent scans and the plan for surgery. She urged that I needed to be mentally prepared for either outcome: a temporary ileostomy or a permanent colostomy. Wait, what? What happened to the reconnection? She ever so eloquently explained to me that my tumor was not super low (7cm up); however, she would not know until she got in there and started looking at margins how it would all go. She possibly might have to cut out more tissue to get clear margins. Radiation had also caused significant scarring that could be seen on the scans and would have to be worked around. We discussed a lot in that meeting: margins I comfortable with, margins SHE was comfortable with, quality of life with and without the bag. I left that meeting more flustered and nervous than ever. On top of anxiety over surgery I was also dealing with the uncertainty of how it would all unfold. I did not expect so many decisions having to be made intraoperatively.
One thing did stick out in my head. In the discussion with the surgeon, I latched onto her telling me a permanent colostomy involves the large intestine and would be located on the left side of my abdomen and a temporary ileostomy involved the small intestine and would be located on the right side of my abdomen.
Left side = colostomy
Right side = ileostomy
Left side = permanent
Right side = temporary
I managed to make it through the twelve hour surgery (alleluia) and woke up as I was being wheeled back to the recovery room. As you can imagine, I was super drowsy and out of it from anesthesia but felt no pain. In the recovery room there was a flurry of activity around me, nurses talking to each other and to me and hooking up machines. In an instant, I heard one nurse say to another something about watching out for my colostomy.
She said the word colostomy.
In what felt like a second later, the surgical fellow came by to see me. A young curly haired blonde woman, I swear she lived at the hospital. She would often do her rounds at 6am and then would stop by my room later that evening. I looked at her groggily as she stood at the foot of my bed. She explained that the surgery went very well and they were happy with the outcome. They expected pathology to come back in a few days.
I just stared at her, “Is my colostomy permanent?”
She looked at me for what felt like an eternity (I think she was surprised I was already asking) and said, “Yes”. I can’t even recall what my reaction was. I was still trying to understand what was going on. She continued, “Catherine, you are going to live a long life. The surgery went very well. You are going to live a long life and you can do that with a colostomy. You will do everything you did before this. It will be ok”. I am paraphrasing obviously as I do not remember word for word what she told me but I remember her repeating over and over “you are going to live a long life”. I’m pretty sure I did not cry, I just sat there trying to comprehend it all. We finished our conversation and she left.
The first person to come back and see me was my husband. He later told me he wanted to be first so he could break the colostomy news to me. I think the first thing I said to him was, “The colostomy is permanent”.
I already knew.
I spent the next week in the hospital recovering and fully ignoring and pretending the ostomy was not there. At first the nurses thought this cute and funny. However, as the week progressed I had one nurse tell me I was going to have to do a bag change on my own and get some training before I was sent home. Ugh. They would let me ignore it no more.
I guess I am writing this because I have been struggling lately. Honestly, I haven’t had a lot of issues with my colostomy. It kind of just…works. Mentally; however, I have been having a hard time. Sometimes the weight of having it be so permanent is overwhelming. I will live my life with this ostomy (God willing) for more years than I lived without it. The thought of having to spend the rest of my life with this bag attached to me gets overwhelming. I will never leave the house again without worrying if I have enough supplies or extra clothes.
For the most part, if you saw me, it is not obvious I have an ostomy. Yet, it’s a mental (and physical) weight I carry with me everywhere.
Can other people tell?
Can they hear the bag rustling?
Do I smell?
Is it obvious in a swimsuit?
How do I talk to my kids about this?
Do people think I am gross?
For a long time I felt I was just trying to get accustomed to this post cancer life. I did my best to lean back into life and the day to day responsibilities of being a wife and mother. But sometimes things just feel heavy. They have felt heavy for me lately. Maybe it’s the quarantine, being cooped up and the uncertainty of what life looks like in the months moving forward but I have been struggling.
I yearn for the carefree days of wearing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I mean, let’s be honest, I was not rocking bikinis or midriff baring shirts in the first place. However, now I am trying to dress a body that not only has morphed in size and shape over the last year but now I am dealing with dressing a body with an ostomy. Pants and shorts sit differently on my body. Clothes in my closet no longer work on this post cancer body.
When I was a kid and would complain about things my grandmother would often tell me to “offer it up”. I have thought about her a lot lately. I try to keep in perspective that I survived stage three, almost stage four cancer. That these scars at least mean I’m still alive. That someone certainly has it worse than me. That I should be thankful my cancer responded to the treatment. That I haven’t had a ton of issues with the ostomy.
Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.
As I begin to get back into journaling, I’ve been reflecting on what word I’m going to focus on this year. [Yes, I realize it’s already May and I’ve got a late start.] I keep coming back to the word grace. Not only the name of one of my best friends but also what I’ve been trying to extend to myself lately. I try to remind myself that my body is still physically healing and my soul might take a little longer to heal. I’m trying to give myself grace that I can sit in sadness about my ostomy but try to move through it. I remind myself that I am able to do everything I did before. Possibly with more supplies and baggage, but hey, I can do it!
I’d also like to be better about extending grace to others in my life. To live in a way where I give the benefit of the doubt that everyone is doing their best. That everyone deserves grace. That we all carry around our scars and baggage differently but surely it is there for everyone.
For whatever reason this season of life has just been tough for me. Post cancer life has been different and an emotional rollercoaster [amplified by menopause]. I am now navigating it in isolation and it’s just felt extra heavy. For now I’ll remember to give myself grace as I try to navigate the new normal going forward.
Over the years my skin issues have morphed just like everyone else. I’ve gone from oily teenage acne to dry combination to hormonal pregnancy acne – fun! Today I’ve rounded up my skincare favorites I currently rotate! The main thing I’ve learned over the years is…hydrate! Do you know I never used moisturizer until college?! I haven’t landed on a face wash I currently love yet so feel free to throw some clean options my way! My current favorites are below:
Foreo Luna – I got this device in a subscription box and let it sit in my cabinet for months! I finally pulled it out after seeing something about it online. Wow, what a difference after just one use! I use this every night in the shower – it exfoliates and leaves my skin so soft!
Drunk Elephant – This is an amazing, albeit pricey, skincare brand! Hot tip is that Sephora & Amazon sell mini sets of daytime & nighttime duos that you can buy for roughly $20. I usually always buy the mini bottles because they are a better deal for the amount of product and it’s a great way to test it out before committing to a full size product!
Lavido Facial Serum – Another serum that is frequently on rotation is this all natural one from Lavido. When I use serums at night, I keep my skin a little damp and then pat the oil on. This one is a tad greasy and I only use it at night. It hydrates very well!
Shea Moisture Coconut Oil – Did you think I was going to leave coconut oil off the list?! I slather this on after getting out of the shower. I also use it on my cuticles, hair, feet etc. When I use my Vitamin E oil, I mix it with this coconut oil to dilute its thick consistency.
Vitamin E Oil – Vitamin E is so good for the skin. Pure vitamin E oil is extremely thick and will need to be mixed with another oil so it can be applied to the skin. I always use coconut oil. I put this around my eyes, on my forehead – basically any place I get wrinkles.
Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula Skin Therapy Oil – Pretty sure I came across this from a beauty influencer but this is a great, cheap option! After pregnancy I suffered with melasma and using this regularly at night has helped lighten my super dark spots. It’s also clean with minimal ingredients.
Aztec Secret – Indian Healing Clay Mask – If you haven’t heard of this you have been living under a rock! It’s a powder and when mixed with apple cider vinegar (always look for ‘the mother’ on your apple cider vinegar) it creates a great detoxifying mask! It does dry my skin out so I slather oil on afterwards, what’s new!
Let me know your current favorites and anything I need to try out!
Full disclosure that some links are affiliate links. I review and recommend only products I personally use on a regular basis. All opinions are my own.
In early 2008, four months after my college graduation I became a member of the Dead Dads Club. My membership into the club came on a sticky Spring morning in April, just as I was about to head to the gym. In full gym attire, I got a knock at my apartment door and opened it to see my aunt and uncle standing there. I swear in that moment the earth shifted. Having never seen them regularly, even though they lived in my college town, I immediately knew something was clearly wrong. Time stood still as my mind tried to play catch up. They announced that they had some unfortunate news, my dad had not woken up this morning and had died in his sleep. Your dad is dead. (Obviously delivered more eloquently than this). I will save you the dramatics of my reaction; however, let’s just say admittance into the Dead Dads Club was not met with a gracious or quiet reaction.
My life has changed dramatically since that 2008 Spring. At the time of his death, I was a new college graduate searching for my first big girl job. In fact, my very last conversation with him was telling him I had a great interview and I thought I got the job! (oh and could he deposit some money puhleasseee). A lot can happen in twelve years. In those twelve fatherless years I: adopted my first dog, met my now husband, moved to South Carolina, got engaged, moved back to Louisiana, got married, adopted my second dog, bought a house, had a son, moved to Florida, had a baby girl and was diagnosed with cancer. That’s some major life events to miss out on. Major. That’s a lot of phone calls, eye rolls, unsolicited fatherly advice, family trips and photo ops that will never happen. Because he’s not here.
I’ve done a lot of growing in these last twelve years. From broke college graduate to responsible functioning adult with children (hah, was that convincing?). Here are a few of the life lessons that stand out (thank you therapy) in my mind.
It does not necessarily get better with time
Grief is different for everyone of course. I think a universal theme to it is that it morphs over time. My shock, sadness and anger were eventually replaced with a deep fear and longing for my dad. Will I forget what his voice sounds like? His laugh? His smell? I would hardly say it ‘gets better with time‘. Each life milestone (holidays, vacations,marriage, house buying, childbirth) is met with excitement, always to be interrupted by the stark bittersweet reminder that Dad will not be here to see this. None of it. I know from experience that grief can pop up at unexpected moments and unexpected times. I will never get over the loss of my dad. My grief just morphs over time as I do.
Keep the memories alive
Most people around you seem apprehensive to talk about the dead person. Walking on eggshells. But I can tell you some of my favorite anecdotes involve things family and acquaintances told us after his death. I want everyone who knew him to help keep his memory alive! One family friend sent a note my dad had written their daughter when she submitted a story for review to him. The letter to the child was on official law firm letterhead and everything. It was so sweet! A waitress at an eatery he frequented commented she was sad to hear of his passing, that he was always so loud and happy when he came into the restaurant. My Uncle once told a story of a fishing trip where they were in my dads beat up boat and my dad was in the mud fishing when a fancy boat full of judges (my father was a lawyer) pulled up and the judges exclaimed, “Is that John in the mud?!”. These stories feel like a secret peek into the life he led. The man he was. Of course he was my dad, I know how he was, but nonetheless, it feels like a confirmation into who I knew he was, even when I was not around. Of course memories bring up sadness, but I love when people talk about what they loved about my dad. It’s how we keep his memory alive!
I am lucky I had twenty-three years with a great dad growing up. Not everyone has twenty-three years with a loved one or even a good healthy relationship for that matter. After the sudden death of a loved one, you become acutely aware of just how quickly things can change. A cancer diagnosis magnifies this as you can imagine. I can’t even eloquently put it into words other than to say I just live my life a little differently now. It’s easy to get bogged down with the minutia of work, kids and life but I always try and remember how quickly things can change. Count your blessings, even when they seem few.
Sit in grief; don’t dwell
I think it’s healthy to grieve thoroughly after the loss of a loved one. I acutely remember the feelings of anger that surfaced after my dad died. Here my world was shattering and the rest of the world just kept on turning. My boss asked me to do the same asinine tasks, the friends and family who offered food, lawn services and lunch dates slowly dwindled down to a trickle. Life happens at an alarming pace for everyone. It’s important to feel the feelings but move through them. I still have my days when an anniversary, life event or song will make me so sad about my dad. It trudges up the ‘ole familiar feelings of anger and sadness. Personally, when this happens to me I want to sit alone in my feelings and cry, eat and be depressed (ah the perfect trifecta!). Of course, my husband becomes concerned and wants to fix it all and I have to sternly explain I need this time to be manic depressive and in eight hours I will snap out of it. This is just how I’ve learned to cope. Sitting in the grief; not dwelling.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
I am slightly hesitant to include this in the list but it truly does remind me of the way my dad lived. The man was an attorney by trade, father of three, endless fix-it-himselfer (often creating more headaches for himself along the way) but always in a good mood. Always. He would start phone calls with a booming, “Tell me somethin’ good” greeting. Shortly before his death, I called him to break the news I had been let go from my college internship (aka I might be needing a spot on the rent this month dad). I could tell he was nervous about whatever news I was about to break. When I started to launch into my well rehearsed speech of why-this-wasn’t-my-fault-really he stopped me and said, “Tell me in one simple sentence why you are no longer employed. There should be no ‘and’ or ‘but’ included in the sentence”. So I did just this and his next question was, “What is the life lesson you are learning here?” followed by, “How much money are you about to ask me for?” I’m chuckling typing this because I can replay this conversation so vividly in my mind. It feels like yesterday. I rarely heard the man complain even though I can imagine his endless responsibilities.
Pictures & Letters are Important
In hindsight, I wish I had more photographs with my dad. They are far and few in between. I grew up in the age before iPhones were glued to everyone’s hands. Pictures are much more accessible these days. Take all the pictures, write actual letters in the cards and keep them. You never know when you’ll need a good ugly cry to release some pent up emotions. You’ll thank me later.